I've been so drunk I woke up in a total stranger's apartment once and I can't remember how I got there
Listening to smut on an aroplane just hits different. Like it’s talking about all the hot shit they are doing and your just trying to keep a straight face
I secretly put a real spider in my first girlfriend's bed to make her go.
I used to put some chocolate in my sister's bed so that she always thought she had shat the bed in the morning.
Should I tell the guy that I like that I like him
I wanted to sit down on a chair, then it collapsed.
I saved my boss's number in my cell phone under asshole.
I'm afraid to open the dumpster as I imagine someone might be sitting inside
Sometimes when I'm driving I intentionally stick to the exact speed to annoy the person behind me
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